Monday, September 03, 2012

The ideal corporate consumer, employee and the neighbor you want

The image to the right is the ideal corporate employee: he is of mixed heritage, no religious background, no features at all, really.

He's like a mannequin that can take orders. A robot with a personality, but not enough to conflict with your own. In fact, he's a blank slate for you to project upon.

This is why he would be the ideal neighbor. He wants to do what you want to do, or at least, he doesn't know what he wants to do so he's OK with doing what you want to do.

At work, he does his job and when he's not doing it, he does something innocuous. Maybe shopping, or voting.

He doesn't want any holidays except weekends. He barely knows what to do with those anyway. He feels best in school, work or waiting in line, since he has no personality.

He is also the perfect consumer. Since he has nothing within, he needs to dress up the outside. He needs to buy lots of stuff for that.

When he is a teenager, he will need lots of bands to cover his identity. And posters, and tshirts. Maybe a fast car which he will buy on layaway, generating interest income.

In his 20s and 30s, he will be rootless. He will pay rent: lots and lots of rent. He wants a luxury apartment. He will put a third of his paycheck into rent.

Because he has no personality, he will stumble through life following his urges. One of those is sex. He will bed girls whenever he can, and end up in relationships with some of them.

Those relationships will also generate extra purchases. More dinners out, more gifts, a shared apartment, and then lots of fees when the breakup happens and he needs a new phone number, apartment, and to replace all the stuff he left at her place.

He is oblivious to the differences between items as well as people. The more you advertise, the more he likes what you advertise, and buys it. Since he can't tell the difference, the only determining factor is whether it fills in for his soul.

You can count on him to have a mid-life crisis too. He will buy a sports car and get a tattoo. He will then spend more money on chasing strippers around.

A man like this can save our economy. He will also vote for us if we promise him free things. He doesn't care what happens tomorrow if he gets paid today.

If a bunch of young people do something, he will imitate it, in an attempt to stay relevant. He will vote for our candidate if we advertise enough and young people like it.

Since he has nothing to do, he will cast around for hobbies, pursuits and fetishes. When he finds an interest in football, we can sell him tickets, merch and an extended cable plan. When he discovers religion, we can sell him Bibles, missionary trips and Christian rock. When he becomes a footwear fetishist, we can sell him porn, shoes and sex tourism in Thailand.

He is perfect; nothing is out of place. He is in absolute balance because he doesn't exist. And yet his body does, and it walks onward, generating needs and profits, and voting for our guy. Thus we love him, this anonymous and soulless last man.

Image (c) Google, Inc., a respectable corporation whose stock I proudly own.

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